Emotionally robbed

In all honesty, I've lost count of how much time has passed since that week. I know it hasn't been too long, but it feels like 6 months at the least. This is the second time, that I can recall, being so aware of the concept of time, and it's petrifying.

It scares me to think that if I really wanted to, I could kill you in one punch (well, sometimes I really do hope I am capable of this) but I can count the amount of people in my life who deserve this, and ____ _____ is one of them. I can't help admitting to myself that I honestly never expected him to treat me the way he did. I guess that somewhere in the back of my mind, a small thought of that kind was always there, but his words are strangely persuasive. I didn't let myself believe how well he fits the stereotype of his kind. Once having obtained a close relationship with him, I wanted it to stay that way, and he had me believe that he wanted it too. I've grown to develop oddly strong feelings for him, and he was more than aware of this.. so I thought, anyway. But that's the only reason why I let things go further. We got closer because I wanted us to be. But if I had known beforehand just how badly that would backfired, I'd have ran away as soon as we met. To this day, I can't forgive myself for contributing so much in the wrecking of such an important friendship. I have no excuse, though he constantly promised and assured me that things with him wouldn't be anything like what they were with someone else, and I foolishly believed every single word. Turns out, it's even worse.

I search everywhere and in everyone for some form of assurance that us being apart now is for the best, but another thing that scares me is subconsciously knowing that all my feelings for him remain even though I desperately don't want them to. He made me weak with our experiences, which is the complete opposite of what I expected. He made me feel supported - wanted. Now, I feel like nothing. Lost; constantly hoping to find somebody new. I've tried to distant myself just as much as he has but the further I get, the more I wanna take a step back.

I can't say a word to him because I don't wanna cause the unnecessary hassle.. I know he doesn't care, nowhere near as much as I do anyway. But that's only because guys like him are immune to any form of deeper emotions. They don't have any. They don't let other people get to them because they know just how badly that can pivot. That's the one thing that I admire in these assholes. I can't stand just how well the experiences, feelings and skid marks caused by others slide off of them like it's nothing. But that's also what makes me angry the most; they have no idea what they're doing to those around them. ____, for example, flirts with everything that has a heartbeat. But what he doesn't know is that girls can genuinely grow to like him for the attention they get. If this monstrosity does happen to occur, he doesn't want to know, and leaves. But what does the girl then do? Nothing. She's merely left on her own to deal with the consequences of her own actions, literally forced to move on. Powerless.

____ _____, I hate you for caring about you as much as I do. If I had control over this, trust me, I'd have hit you in the face with a shovel by now.. and I'd have found many other people who would've gladly assisted me with that. You're a cunt, and you know it. But surprisingly, that's not enough for me to hate you as a person.

The jigsaw puzzle

One of the reasons for this blog is because the same was done for me and I figured it would be.. fair? if I did the same.. and its my blog anyway so whatever..

Kris, as I've told you many times before, you mean everything to me.. the entire world. A few weeks before you went to Brighton, I was pretty much certain it was gonna be over as you said a long distance relationship will never work for you. There was no way I could change that so I just agreed with it. But as soon as you left and told me the things you did, I suddenly became the happiest person to walk the earth.

It's so unbelievably hard having to live every day, ask myself the same question and get no answer to it.

When we had months and months ahead of us before you left, I didn't really think of it as such a big deal because I thought "oh we still have ages to go", but it's true when they say time goes by too fast. To be honest, it went so damn fast that I can't even figure out how it all happened.

I do get my mood swings and my bad days, which can make me a very horrible person BUT, no matter how I feel, my feelings for you never change.. not even a tiny little bit. I don't even know how to love you more because I love you with ALL my heart. And I'm not saying that just because I can, I'm saying it because it's all true.

Lately, my days are all the same. I wake up, think about you, do whatever has to be done that day, think of you while I'm there, come home, go to bed, think about you and then sleep. Recently, there hasn't really been a time or a day where I haven't thought about you at all. I'm always worried.. wondering whether you're okay, who you're with and what you're doing..

I'm not the best and I never will be.
I'll never be smart enough, I'll never be pretty enough and I'll just never be enough compared to what you actually deserve.. so I'm deeply sorry I can't be anything you might want me to be.
But I'll always be there for you when you need me.. no matter where you are and no matter what time, I'll always try my best you make you happy.. and I will always love you.
<3

Ahh, mothers.

Why do they always tend to make our lives more difficult? And it's kinda pointless really, when they have a go at you for something of no importance at all, making it sound like such a big issue.

Fuck off.

They try to tell you things which you really don't wanna hear about because it makes absolutely no difference to your life. Oh and they actually think you're bothered too, like you're actually listening to every word that comes out of their mouth. No. Sorry.

Sometimes, I just feel like saying "..Stop. Bye" because it really makes absolutely no sense if you just stand there and actually listen. Some of the things they say are just like "..wtf", and you start thinking WHY you're there listening to crap instead of being somewhere else and doing something which would make at least a tiny bit more sense than that.

But I guess you should just make them feel better by pretending to take all that information in and tell them that you're listening. Either way, you don't get away with it. You HAVE to bare with all those pointless lectures because thats just the way life works.

No, life isn't fair at all, is it?
Hardly anything is.
Deal with it.

Work experience..

Is quite quickly starting to wear me out. About 7 hours of work every day is just way too much for my messed up spine. I guess there ARE plus sides.. but not as much.
There's so much to do during the day, even the boring stuff, but it's just so damn tiring because I'm on my feet all the time (not counting the breaks).

But I guess it's called 'Work Experience' for a very good reason - you get a taste of what real work is like and how tiring it actually is. Although, I came to quite a simple conclusion a few days ago; I would be willing to work much harder than I already do, only if I was getting paid for it. But hey, what can you do? It's just work experience, so you don't get paid for it. I do disagree with that though. At some places, they tend to make you do quite a lot of work. Therefore, we should be getting something out of it.. something more than just a voucher at the end of the 2 weeks or free pizza. A simple vouchers is basically the same as getting nothing in return for all that hard work you've done and the pizza is gonna get eaten so you're left with nothing anyway.

I don't even know why I'm complaining, it's not like it's gonna change anything.