It scares me to think that if I really wanted to, I could kill you in one punch (well, sometimes I really do hope I am capable of this) but I can count the amount of people in my life who deserve this, and ____ _____ is one of them. I can't help admitting to myself that I honestly never expected him to treat me the way he did. I guess that somewhere in the back of my mind, a small thought of that kind was always there, but his words are strangely persuasive. I didn't let myself believe how well he fits the stereotype of his kind. Once having obtained a close relationship with him, I wanted it to stay that way, and he had me believe that he wanted it too. I've grown to develop oddly strong feelings for him, and he was more than aware of this.. so I thought, anyway. But that's the only reason why I let things go further. We got closer because I wanted us to be. But if I had known beforehand just how badly that would backfired, I'd have ran away as soon as we met. To this day, I can't forgive myself for contributing so much in the wrecking of such an important friendship. I have no excuse, though he constantly promised and assured me that things with him wouldn't be anything like what they were with someone else, and I foolishly believed every single word. Turns out, it's even worse.
I search everywhere and in everyone for some form of assurance that us being apart now is for the best, but another thing that scares me is subconsciously knowing that all my feelings for him remain even though I desperately don't want them to. He made me weak with our experiences, which is the complete opposite of what I expected. He made me feel supported - wanted. Now, I feel like nothing. Lost; constantly hoping to find somebody new. I've tried to distant myself just as much as he has but the further I get, the more I wanna take a step back.
I can't say a word to him because I don't wanna cause the unnecessary hassle.. I know he doesn't care, nowhere near as much as I do anyway. But that's only because guys like him are immune to any form of deeper emotions. They don't have any. They don't let other people get to them because they know just how badly that can pivot. That's the one thing that I admire in these assholes. I can't stand just how well the experiences, feelings and skid marks caused by others slide off of them like it's nothing. But that's also what makes me angry the most; they have no idea what they're doing to those around them. ____, for example, flirts with everything that has a heartbeat. But what he doesn't know is that girls can genuinely grow to like him for the attention they get. If this monstrosity does happen to occur, he doesn't want to know, and leaves. But what does the girl then do? Nothing. She's merely left on her own to deal with the consequences of her own actions, literally forced to move on. Powerless.
____ _____, I hate you for caring about you as much as I do. If I had control over this, trust me, I'd have hit you in the face with a shovel by now.. and I'd have found many other people who would've gladly assisted me with that. You're a cunt, and you know it. But surprisingly, that's not enough for me to hate you as a person.
